Vandamonium’s Weblog

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The Wit of Steven Wright


Found at PageTutor.com

The Wit of Steven Wright

  • Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
  • If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
  • Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  • Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
  • If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  • I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”
  • So what’s the speed of dark?
  • How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
  • After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
  • Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
  • If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
  • I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
  • Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
  • Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
  • Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.
  • If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
  • Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
  • Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
  • Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
  • Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
  • If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
  • If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
  • What would a chair look like if your knees bent the otherway?
  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  • When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
  • Do fish get cramps after eating?
  • Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
  • Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
  • Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
  • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  • When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
  • Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
  • Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
  • How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
  • If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the oppositeof progress?
  • Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  • Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
  • Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
  • Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we usethem?
  • Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
  • Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
  • What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
  • Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travelagent?
  • Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
  • Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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