Vandamonium’s Weblog

No matter where you go, there you are.

Thank You So Very Much….


Dear Friends

Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have
forwarded over the year. I must send a special big thank you to whoever sent me
the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top
of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I
gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are
sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior
bank clerk in Nigeriawho wants me to split seven million dollars with me for
pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven
friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a
serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and
then I’ll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singaporeand
Uzbekistan.

I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider
is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. I
can’t even pick up the 5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg.

If you don’t send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next
70minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pmthis
afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a
hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s
beautician.

By the way…..a South American scientist after a lengthy study
has discovered that people with low IQ who don’t have enough sex, always
read their emails while holding the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now,
it’s too late.

Kind Regards
Big Al

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