Archive for humor
The “Sharing” in a MARRIAGE….
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one
half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is
one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were
just fine – they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to
eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’
(Continue BELOW….. This is great)
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you’re naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memorium With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde)
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
When you work here, you can name your own salary.
I named mine, “Fred”.
money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
Don’t sweat the petty things. Don’t pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana
From Colbert’s “A Very Special Christmas Special.
Just want to take a few minutes to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you, yours and theirs. Everyone please drive safe and come home alive.
WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
– When you dress it up with silver and gold, it doesn’t look like a cheap hooker.
– A Christmas tree will never complain if you compare it to another bush.
– A Christmas tree will stay up late, watch a porno with you, and won’t say, “Hey, look at the size of that one … I didn’t know they made ‘em that big!”
Uses For Christmas Fruitcake
1. Bury them in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.
2. Give them to your son for a science project
3. Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one Fruitcake that’s making it’s rounds every year.
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