Archive for jokes
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you’re naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memorium With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde)
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
When you work here, you can name your own salary.
I named mine, “Fred”.
money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
Don’t sweat the petty things. Don’t pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana
Uses For Christmas Fruitcake
1. Bury them in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.
2. Give them to your son for a science project
3. Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one Fruitcake that’s making it’s rounds every year.
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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
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1. The sport of choice for the Urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4.. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
It’s been awhile since I’ve shared. So here’s some sharing tossed at ya….
Quotes of the Day
It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously.
– Peter Ustinov
I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can’t stop eating peanuts.
– Orson Welles
If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.
– Arthur Schopenhauer